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ETBR Road Trip: A Perfect Mark

Inning One: First Things First

It would probably be indecent of me not to begin this dispatch by mentioning that Chicago starter Mark Buehrle, whose name is only partly spelled how it sounds, pitched the 18^th perfect game in major league history this afternoon. It was the first perfect game, period, since Randy Johnson (then of the D-backs) threw one against Atlanta on May 18, 2004. It was the first one in the American League since David Cone (then of the New York Americans), threw one versus Montreal on July 18, 1999.

Inning Two: First Things Second (Basic Questions Remix)

How cool is it that Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game?

That’s a tough one to answer a little bit. Here’s what was nice about it: that it made everyone in the stadium really happy. It made Mark Buehrle happy, his teammates happy, the fans super happy, and his (i.e. Mark Buehrle’s) wife happy. Even the Official Baseballing Journalists were showing signs of life in the Chicago press box and on the very stair-y walk to the White Sox’ media room.

Ozzie Guillen said in the press conference after the game something to the effect of, “Mark Buehrle is the nicest, most decent person to ever live. He tries his hardest always. He’s a great clubhouse presence. He’s donated seven of his kidneys to complete strangers and has several more he’s willing to give away. People travel from all over merely to touch the hem of his garment.” If even some of that is true – and I’m sure it is – then it makes Buehrle’s achievement all the easier to enjoy. “Good things happening to good people”: if that’s not the motto of the Ecstatic Truth Baseball Report, I don’t know what is.

Here’s the thing, though: Buehrle’s start was not necessarily an uber-dominant one. Of the 27 batters he faced, he struck out only six of them. That means that 21 batters either grounded or flied out. And while a pitcher has some control over batted balls, research suggests that, of all balls in play, about 30% of those become hits. Buehrle, over his career, has allowed about a .290 average on balls in play. What does that suggest? It suggests that Tampa should’ve gotten about six hits this afternoon. Instead, they got zero. And they didn’t walk, either. Nor did Buehrle hit any batsmen. Nor did the White Sox commit any errors.

The overwhelming feeling then – for this spectator, at least – is not necessarily one of having witnessed a singularly dominant pitching performance, but rather of having been party to an incredibly rare and exciting outcome out of all the myriad outcomes ultimately possible when a baseball game begins.

Conclusion: contrary to what Einstein says, God does play dice; it’s just, he plays with infinity-sided die when he does it.

Inning Three: First Things Third

You should probably watch this. It’s the crazy thing Dewayne Wise did to save Buehrle’s perfecto bid.

Inning Four: Names and Places

Tampa’s lineup, annotated for the Reader’s convenience, was:

1. Upton, CF – A bad man. In the Muhammad Ali way, I mean.
2. Crawford, LF – Fast. And actually batting .313/.374/.444. Still, has always been overrated on account of his speed.
3. Longoria, 3B – Pretty awesome in terms of being able to hit and field and throw baseballs. Last year’s AL Rookie of the Year.
4. Pena, 1B – Uppercut swing is equal parts reckless and magisterial.
5. Zobrist, 2B – Serial jacker of dongpieces. Also, plays middle infield. Also, has a Z-surname. Therefore, is a favorite of the Report.
6. Burrell, DH – Would lose in a race against a statue of himself*.
7. Kapler, RF – No comment.
8. Michel Hernandez, C – No comment, except that he spells his first name wrong.
9. Bartlett, SS – See below.

And who all pitched was:

1. Scott Kazmir, L — After routinely posting rates of 10 K/9, is down to 7 K/9 this year.
2. Lance Cormier, R — Eh.
3. Dale Thayer, R — Sounds like the name of a stock car driver, really.

If I had my druthers:

I’d make Zobrist the shortstop of this team. His bat would be amazing at that position. Sure, Bartlett is batting .342/.392/.520, but he also has a totally unsustainable BABIP of .391. His PrOPS of .295/.348/.461 is closer to who he is as a batter, but even that is optimistic compared to his lifetime line of .285/.345/.385.

Zobrist, on the other hand, is a Menace II Society — if, by “society”, you understand “opposing pitchers”. He’s batting .304/.417/.589 on the season, which compares very favorably to his PrOPS of .302/.414/.574.

As for their respective defensive acumen – a not unimportant consideration in light of the position we’re talking about — that’s a murkier question. Jason Bartlett, as his 2008 Team MVP award suggests, is generally regarded as having been integral to the Rays’ improvement last year, mostly due to what was perceived as defensive wizardry. And it’s true, he was, at one point in his career, a defensive wizard, posting a UZR/150 (which, you can click here to find out what that even means) of 28.5 runs above average in limited playing time in 2005. Since then though his UZR/150 has looked like this: 16.1, 9.0, 2.9, and only 0.6 this year. Zobrist, meanwhile, seems to be going in the opposite direction, posting a pretty horrid -26.1 two years ago, but a perfectly reasonable -4.0 this year in limited playing time.

*Denotes Zen koan.

Inning Five: Name and Places, Vol II

Chicago’s lineup, annotated for the Reader’s convenience, was:

1. Podsednik, CF – See below.
2. Ramirez, SS – Is Slim from Jim Croce song “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown”.
3. Dye, RF – No comment.
4. Konerko, DH – Most excellent attribute, as far as typical Sox fan is concerned, is that his nickname, Paulie, sounds great when shouted drunkenly.
   
5. Quentin, LF –Looks alot like Jose Canseco to me. As for the other four senses, I couldn’t say.
6. Beckham, 3B – Nubile youth. Also, a rookie.
7. J Nix, 2B – Spells his name “Jayson”. Brother of sometime major leaguer Laynce Nix. Yes, Laynce with a “y”. No, I’m not joking.
8. Castro, C – Famous Cuban leader. Or not.
9. Fields, 1B – First baseman batting ninth = bad sign.

And who all pitched was:

1. Mark Buehrle, L – Ozzie Guillen doesn’t know how he does it. Which, that’s not all that surprising.

If I had my druthers:

I’d have a team without Scott Podsednik on it or, at the very least, a team without Podsednik leading the frig off. Here’s what you are tacitly stating when you insert a player into the leadoff spot: you’re saying, “This is the batter – among all the batters on our roster – this is the one to whom we’d like to give the most plate appearances.” The Slightly Annoying Reader might point out to yours truly that Podsednik is batting a not embarrassing .306/.367/.402. To that, I would say, “Well, PrOPS – a.k.a. a more accurate assessment of production — has him at .272/.335/.377, which is more representative of his actual ability.”

The problem, of course, is that the White Sox don’t really have anyone else to play center field, either. Dewayne Wise, Brian Anderson, Jerry Owens, Brent Lillibridge: all have been given something close to a shot and none has done much to secure the position. Podsednik has posted his hit-lucky line and will probably play there more than he should. He’ll certainly bat leadoff more than he should.

Inning Six: Watches

Kyle Blanks, San Diego

• He currently sports a PrOPS of .230/.348/.400 in 71 PA.
• In 4 PA today, he went 2 for 4 with a HR and 2 K.

Chris Withrow, High A Inland Empire (Los Angeles N)

• He currently sports park- and luck-adjusted rates of 10.71 K/9 and 5.04 BB/9 with a 39.7% GB%.
• In 5 IP on July 20, he recorded 6 K, 4 BB, and 0 HR-allowed.

Alexander Torres, High A Rancho Cucamonga (Los Angeles A)

• He currently sports park- and luck-adjusted rates of 9.10 K/9 and 5.25 BB/9 with a 57.5% GB%.
• In 6 2/3 IP today, he recorded 6 K, 2 BB, and 0 HR-allowed.

Inning Seven: Stretch

Todd Greene is listed on the Tampa Bay roster as “Quality Assurance Coach”. Say wha?

Inning Eight: On Names

The Tampa Bay Rays removed the “Devil” from their team name on account of they are a beacon that radiates throughout all of Florida.

Turkish capital Istanbul was once called — if 80s pop duo They Might Be Giants is any authority — was once called Constantinople.

Portland, Ore could have been Boston, Ore, if not for a coin toss.

Nineties rock sensation Bush, fronted by the very dreamy Gavin Rossdale, was (is?) so-called on account of they spent their earliest days in Shepherd’s Bush, a neighborhood of London. Interestingly, while Bush rocketed to the top of the charts in the U.S., they were not anywhere near as popular in their native England.

Somewhere between twenty-four and -seven American states, including Illinois, have Indian names.

Inning Nine: On Juan
Juan was the snack car attendant on my train ride earlier today from Grand Rapids, Michigan to Chicago. He’s a short, Latin fellow and very talkative. He’s what you might call “my kind of people”.

Here’s what happens when you ask Juan for a cup of coffee: he says, in the voice of W.C. Fields, “A cuppa joe, a cuppa joe.”

Here’s what Juan calls you, even if you’re 29: kiddo.

Here’s how Juan referred to himself in our very brief conversation: as the Dr. Spock of Amtrak.

Here are some of the things Juan says when, kinda amazed that there’s someone like him in the universe – let alone on a train from Grand Rapids to Chicago – you ask him, “Where you from originally?”: Chicago, originally. Indiana now, but Chicago originally. Bucktown neighborhood. It was a very desireable neighborhood, because we didn’t let the gangs in. No gangs, no graffiti – the cops didn’t even have to come in there. Now, it’s too expensive. A vacant lot that would have cost you two thousand dollars back then – that’d cost you three hundred thousand now. Now a parking space costs forty thousand. You know, you buy a condo for three or four hundred thou, you think that’s it. Oh, no: you gotta buy a parking space, too. Forty thousand dollars … forty thousand! What are you, on crack? Are you high on drugs?

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