Nashville 5, Your Portland Beavers 4
Inning One: Interview with Rich Burk: In Medias Res
Was it the Roman poet Horace or Cubs right fielder Milton Bradley who wrote in his Ars Poetica, “Nec reditum Diomedis ab ineritu Meleagri, / nec gemino bellum Troianum orditur ab ovo; / semper ad eventum et in medias res…”?
Personally, I forget. But regardless of who wrote what seminal text when, it’s the spirit of that sentiment that will help the reader better understand the delights that await him/her in what follows. For those of you who had the misfortune of attending a public high school (whatever that is), allow me translate: “[The poet] does not trace Diomede’s return right back to the death of Meleager, or the Trojan War to the twin eggs of Leda. All the time he is hurrying on to the crisis, and he plunges his hearer into the middle of the story as if it were already familiar to him.”
In medias res is the phrase you’ve maybe heard here: into the middle of things. That — according to one OG Latino, at least — is the way to tell a story well. And that is how the present incarnation of the Report will proceed.
Here are three things you need to know so’s to feel at least somewhat oriented:
Rich Burk is a) the radio voice of the Portland Beavers and b) an incredibly patient man.
I know Rich Burk is patient, on account of he allowed me to clumsily harass — aka “interview” — him before tonight’s Beavers game versus Nashville. And:
I have opted — in the interest of preserving the usual structure of the Report — I have opted to distribute the contents of the interview across Innings Two through Five. The result, I think, is equal parts awkward and amateurish.
Oh, and one further note: in the event that Mr. Burk sounds — in what follows — that he sounds anything less than Mensa-level intelligent or Donna Reed-level sweet, it is wholly due to my own incompetence at transcribing the interview. Thank you.
Inning Two: Interview with Rich Burk: Part the First
PORTLAND SPORTSMAN: Rich, I noticed in one of the games you did recently from New Orleans, there was a pitch — a called strike three, I think — that you said was “either a cutter or a slider.” Some announcers — and I don’t consider this a virtue — some announcers would be reluctant to show any hint of indecision, and yet, by refusing to do so, they actually hurt their credibility, I’d say. Is that willingness to correct yourself — is that something you’ve cultivated purposely?
RICH BURK: Well, my main concern is with accuracy. In a game like that, we’re on the road, there’s no TV, and we’re 2000 miles from home. I want to make the game as clear as possible to listeners back home. I’ll correct myself, like I did on that pitch, if I think it’ll help. Like, in a game recently, Antonelli was batting and I said he hit a “bloop” to center field. Well, I thought it was a bloop at first. He hit it down near the label, and so I figured it would be. But it actually turned out to be pretty well-hit. So, after the play was done, I corrected myself, I said, “You know, I told you that was a bloop, but it was actually well-hit” and so on.
Inning Three: Rich Burk Interview: Part the Second
PORTLAND SPORTSMAN: Do you have any idea what might compel certain announcers never to concede a point — like even to the point of absurdity?
RICH BURK: I was too young to notice it at the time, but a friend has since told me about how Howard Cosell would prepare a storyline for every game he announced and, no matter what happened during the game itself, he would keep to the storyline.
PORTLAND SPORTSMAN: I think of someone like Ken Harrelson. His storyline is, “The White Sox are always right.”
RICH BURK: Well, that works in Chicago. Like, Jack Brickhouse, for example. He was an announcer for the Cubs, and he was like that, too. They’ve always had homers in Chicago.
By contrast, that would never work in Detroit. Ernie Harwell would’ve never behaved like that, and the fans got used to it.
And then you have a case like in Pittsburgh. Rosey Rowswell was the announcer there, and he was really animated. He would blow whistles and yell. And he had these bolts that he would keep next to him in the press box. When the Pirates hit a home run, he’d shout, “Open the window, Aunt Minnie!” and he’d drop the bolts onto a plate to make it sound like a window crashing.
That set the stage for Bob Prince, who was such a great storyteller. Of course, there’s a downside to that. Sometimes Prince would be talking, talking, talking, and then mention, as a footnote, that Clemente had grounded to first, Stuart had flown out, and that the inning was over.
Inning Four: Interview with Rich Burk: The Thrilling Conclusion
PORTLAND SPORTSMAN: Shifting gears a little here … You have Rob Neyer on the air sometimes. Neyer obviously represents a certain strain within baseball fandom — that is, a decided interest in statistical analysis. What does Neyer add to the broadcast when he comes on? And how do you try to utilize him?
RICH BURK: Well, I’ve learned a lot from him and I respect him immensely. I’m not necessarily into all the advanced stats — you probably won’t hear me say “OPS” on air, for example — but I see the value in the work Rob is doing.
I’m probably more into something like DIPS — that’s, “Defense Independent Pitching Stats” …
PORTLAND SPORTSMAN: … woah, that’s advanced. Moreso than OPS, I’d say.
RICH BURK: Yeah, I guess it is. Well, it’s changed my perspective. It’s taught me that a guy down here, at the minor league level, if he’s not missing many bats, he probably won’t have much success at the major league level — unless he’s absolutely not walking anyone and absolutely not allowing home runs. I wouldn’t have necessarily known that before.
Inning Five: Interview with Rich Burk: Bonus Material
PORTLAND SPORTSMAN: One last thing. I was listening to you last week, to one of those games in New Orleans, and somewhere in the middle of the game there, you just decided to play a jazz song and broadcast over it. Is that a regular occurence?
RICH BURK: Well, I’ve done about 25,000 half-innings of baseball as an announcer now, so I like to mix it up sometimes. That was a Louis Jordan song. He was a hugely important musician in the 1940s — just as famous as Louis Armstrong or Ella Fitzgerald or Bing Crosby. Why he’s not popular anymore, I don’t know. Anyway, that song, “Saturday Night Fish Fry”, is about New Orleans. I knew on Thursday that I wanted to play it during the Saturday game. On Saturday, I told Mike to play it as a bumper when there’d be time — a minute or two — to let it go for a while. Well, as it was playing, I got really into it. It’s about a Saturday night in New Orleans — we’re in New Orleans on a Saturday night — so I just told Mike to just let it keep playing and I’d talk over it, and I did it for the rest of that half-inning. I improvised that part.
PORTLAND SPORTSMAN: You mentioned Mike. Who’s that?
RICH BURK: That’s Mike Schacker, the best radio producer in baseball.
Rich Burk (and, presumably, Mike Schacker) will be here all season. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
Inning Six: Kyle Blanks Watch!
If Kyle Blanks were an animal, he’d be seven mamba snakes, all intertwined and really scary-looking. Seven scary-looking, intertwined mamba snakes that are all good at baseball.
Because I’ve done it in every Report, I’ll do it here:
His line entering tonight’s game was: 248/356/443 (AVG/OBP/SLG) with 8 HR, 21 BB, and 47 K in 174 PA.
In 5 PA Friday night, he went 2 for 5 with 2 1B.
Some people might look at Kyle Blanks’s recent 3-for-33 stretch and call it a slump, but to me, Carson Cistulli, it looks like a tiger crouching among tall grasses as it stalks its prey on the wild plains of the Serengeti. Of course, that might have less to do with Kyle Blanks and more to do with the fact that I, Carson Cistulli, am occasionally subject to “visions.”
Anyway, it’s true: Blanks has been going through a tough stretch of late, but then who hasn’t, what with the economy and everything. My original prediction for him — 763 home runs, all in this one season — is still a definite possibility.
Inning Seven: The Stretch
This is the time on Sprockets — er, the Report — when we dance.
Inning Eight: Will Inman Watch!
Will Inman’s a player who’s gotten some run lately, on account of he’s morally opposed to giving up runs. Another thing about him — something that’s shockingly relevant to this column — is that he a) was recently called up to Portland from Double-A San Antonio, and b) pitched this evening.
The Baseball Prospectus Team of Experts write in this year’s edition of their annual dispatch that Inman has “a very good curveball.” N’doy. Those who’ve seen it will agree with me, I’m sure, when I say that Will Inman’s curveball has more break in it than the 1983 PBS documentary Style Wars. I mean, that thing’s got more break in it than Bryce Florie’s eye socket. I’m saying, Will Inman’s curveball’s got more break in it than — crap, that’s all I can think of. Anyway, it has alotta break on it. Believe you me.
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There are rumors* that Inman might be called up to San Diego before so long, provided he continues pitching anywhere near this year’s established level.
His line looked a hella lot like this: 5.2 IP, 9 K, 2 BB, 2 HR. Those two dongers are indicative of Inman’s flyball tendencies. His 36.6% GB% last year would haunt him in most major league ballparks. Most, I said. Fortunately for Inman, Petco Park of the parent San Diego Padres is one of the most significant HR-deflating parks eva.
*Or at least that’s what Tina told Tanya, who told Tammy, who told Teresa, who told Tyisha, who told me.
Inning Nine: Extras
The thing about extra innings is, even though it makes for a more immediate, exciting, invgorating — whatever you wanna call it — fan experience, it also gets your ladyfriend mad as all get-out when you won’t come pick her up at home and bring her to the video store so she can rent this French movie that she’s got to watch for her French Cinema class … I mean, just for example.
All of which is why the present author wasn’t so bummed when Nashville scored in the Top of the 11th and Your Portland Beavers, despite their heroic attempts, were unable to overcome the difference in their half of the inning.
I still got yelled at, for sure — just not as bad as if the game had gone on any longer.
